How to be a relational leader

When you work closely with people every day, developing a relationship with your team can be instinctive. But what if that relationship doesn’t evolve naturally: what steps can you take to build it?

Why is it important to be relational?
It starts with trust. Getting the best from your team involves asking them to go above and beyond the strict letter of their contract. Often this means your team may have to work long hours or take on tasks that take them out of their comfort zone, risking failure. For your team to be prepared to do this, they must trust that you will reward them and have their back. You will give them the latitude to try and fail.

Trust is only ever developed through building a relationship. It’s simple – if your team doesn’t trust you, you can’t develop a relationship with them; if you don’t have a solid relationship with your team, they won’t perform.

How is relational leadership developed?
A staggering number of leaders I have worked with think that developing relational leadership starts and ends with throwing a Christmas party and having their team round to their house for a barbecue in the summer. Spoiler alert – they were all very ineffectual leaders. But if they had taken 5 simple steps, they would have been well on their way.

1.       Be interested

It helps to have a genuine, authentic interest in others. You may well be horribly busy and feel like mindless chatter about other people’s children, dogs and walking holidays in Wales are an irritation, but you still can’t get away with paying lip-service to this part. There are few people who fail to spot insincerity. You’re going to need to step away from your work persona and connect with your team as a human. You really will be able to find a common interest with almost everyone – look for it.

2.       Step into their shoes

Empathy is crucial.  Make a concerted effort to understand the feelings of others, particularly when it is far from how you would feel in a similar situation.

I love presenting, and always get a huge rush from standing up in front of an audience.  It wasn’t until one of my team burst into tears when trying to build up the courage to present at a team meeting that it even occurred to me that plenty of people don’t feel that way.
On that day I failed as a leader, and it took some time to re-build the trust between that team member and myself. It would have been far easier for me to pay attention in the first place and notice that the person I had asked to present wasn’t overly happy at the thought.

3.       Make it personal
It’s really important to make gestures of friendship. Go beyond asking what someone is interested in – remember it and act on it. The littlest things can show that you value others. The next time you talk about a good book to one of your team, try following up by buying it for them.  If you have been discussing a topic with someone and then later find an article on that topic, forward it to them with a note saying that you thought that they’d find it interesting. These things seem obvious and you could well be rolling your eyes right now, but take a moment for honest reflection – how often do you actually take the time for gestures like this?

4.       Use the appropriate communications method
I once started a project at a large firm. The leadership team wanted me to help rebuild their culture after a round of redundancies that had created massive trust issues. While redundancies often temporarily damage motivation and productivity, the wound at this company seemed far deeper than I had expected. It took some time to understand why, but it started to become clear when some of the remaining team muttered about a conference call. The 2000 employees that had been made redundant had been informed on an open conference call. This isn’t just morally horrifying; it was also an appalling business decision. The employees who remained at the company lost all trust in their leaders. It cost the company millions in productivity loss, and led to many of the valued remaining staff deciding to leave.

This is the most extreme example that I know of a leader failing to choose the correct method for communicating, but it is far from the only one. The simple rule of thumb is this: the more unusual or impactful the message, the more intimate the communications method should be. If you’re telling people what’s on this week’s lunch menu, put it on the intranet; if you’re explaining the new appraisal process, tell them in a team meeting; if you’re changing their role or terms and conditions, you absolutely must do it in an individual face-to-face meeting.

5.       When you feel like you don’t have time, that’s when you need to make time
You have to push yourself to focus on relationships at those times when it seems hardest of all. Think back on a project that was really hard work but enjoyable. The chances are that everyone in your team pulled together to achieve a challenging task. Even if you didn’t have the time to ask about people’s home lives, you were likely all respectful of each other, and friendly. Conversely, if you remember a project that was hard work and unpleasant, you probably worked with people who were dismissive or rude and not respectful of your input. You are likely to always have a bond with the team from the first project; whereas the second project may well have destroyed your working relationships with some of the team.

It is during stressful periods that we cement our relationships. This means that, at those times when it feels hardest to focus on others’ needs rather than your own , take time to be polite and respectful, rather than dismissive and snappy. In fact, these are the times that we must be most careful to do so.

Things to do and consider

Have a think about your team: if you had to buy each of them a birthday present that was personal to them, what would you get them? If you don’t know the answer for some of them, those are the people you need to cultivate a closer relationship with.

Think about the communications that you need to have with your team and map them in terms of impact. Now list the communications channels that you have available to you and map them by intimacy. Try to match up the communications that you need to have with the channel that you should use.

The next time you are running a stressful project, make sure you do an ‘After-Action Review’, and ensure that it includes a section on how well you worked as a team.